


The Punch Line

by Milena73



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M, Michael Novotny Bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24586042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milena73/pseuds/Milena73
Summary: A “how I wanted it to be” story starting with the moment when Brian punches Michael at Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party. No Ethan. Brian is with Justin and has to stand up for their relationship and also for himself, speaking out some inconvenient truths.
Relationships: Brian Kinney/Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 138





	1. The Punch

**Author's Note:**

> This is a “how I wanted it to be” universe.  
> We are in the beginning of Season 3 at Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party.  
> Forget about Ethan. In my universe, he doesn’t exist.  
> Forget about what you thought to know about Brian and Justin’s relationship. In my universe, Brian didn’t dump him at Debbie’s in Season 1. They have been living together since Brian realized how full of hate Justin’s father was. He made a decision when he took Justin back home with him, and I always hated that they backpedaled only an episode later. Brian and Justin had their fights, but they managed it. Justin had made Brian do boyfriend before he asked him to go to the prom with him. They are a couple since then.  
> Forget about the Brian-Michael-story. In my universe, Michael only pretends to be Brian’s best friend (which Brian is aware of.) In fact, he’s his fanboy that first tried to drive him and Justin apart, then turned to David to make Brian jealous (who didn’t react), and then decided to give up and move to Portland. Like in the show, he came back, much to Brian’s dismay, because Michael went on being a pain in the ass. It got better when he bought the comic book store and met Ben.  
> But this isn’t the end of the story…

He’d never punched anyone before. At least not for real. Sometimes he’d been close, but he’d always managed to hold himself back. Stay civilized. Maybe he’d never been furious enough. Which was surprising because many things had gone wrong in Brian’s life. This burning, piercing aggression that had taken possession of his body and mind was new. Like someone had hit the red button. Like his fist had its own will.

The result was stunning. Like a tsunami striking the coast. Like an explosion. Dishware clinked, excited shouts everywhere when Michael hit the ground. Debbie was worried, then angry. Ben was about to punch back, but Brian blocked him. Someone asked, “Do men always do that?”

No, men didn’t always do that. Only when they met the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Slowly, Brian realized what he’d done. His view cleared, the sharp buzzing in his ears stopped, and Lindsay’s voice got through to him.

“I think you should leave now, Brian.”

Justin stepped next to him, grabbing his arm. “Why did you do that?”

“What does it matter why he did it?” Debbie asked, still kneeling at Michael’s side. “He’s an animal hitting my kid!”

“Violence is never a solution!” That was Ben. Zen-Ben. Pleasant, intelligent guy, but Brian wondered why on earth he’d chosen to be with Michael.

“Says the man that was ready to take violent revenge,” Justin remarked in a sarcastic tone. “And yes, it does matter.” He squeezed Brian’s arm, trying to make him look at him. “What did he say to you?”

Everyone stared at him in silence. As if they had realized that they might have been too hastily with their accusations. That he actually might have had a reason.

Brian met the asking gaze of Justin’s blue eyes. Dozens of emotions flooded him, too fast and too confusing to identify all of them. Anger, shame, love, the urge to protect him…

“He said…” It took Brian a moment to shake the disease that used to take hold of his tongue in situations like these. “He said you were a parasite that was only after my money. That I should have left you lying there. That you weren’t worth saving.”

“What?!” It was one loud shout, coming from almost everyone standing around them.

“How can you say something like that?” Debbie asked, outraged, and smacked her son.

Michael protested and sat up, still pressing one hand to his face. “I didn’t mean it! It was a slip of the tongue.”

“Pretty long slip.” The anger was bowling up again. Why could Michael never stand up for himself? He got caught lying, but he was still denying. He made mistakes, but he was still playing innocent. Brian was sick of it. “And, of course, you meant it. That’s the worst part of it.”

“I overheard you telling Vic that you’re planning to take your boytoy on a vacation,” Michael explained.

“So what?” Brian asked, while Justin looked at him in surprise. It was the first time he heard of it. A vacation? A real vacation? His heart beat a little faster.

“Every time I think you’ve finally learned it…” Brian broke off and sighed. “You were never interested in me as a person. So, why do you care what I do with my money or what I’m planning to do with my BOYFRIEND?”

“It’s not true that…”

“Of course, it is,” Brian cut him off sharply. “I’m your walking wet dream. Your secret fantasy. A superhero from one of your comic books. Too unreal to care about his possible real-life problems. Your personal Jesus, your personal drug. You’re like a drug addict, Mikey, and I’m the coke that makes you high just by looking at it.”

He paused, then continued, “I’m guilty of this situation too. As soon as I got aware of it—and it wasn’t long after we’d met—I should’ve fucked you to destroy your fantasy and break your heart. And I would’ve done it without any regret because I never was interested in you either. Not sexually, definitely not romantically or in any other way. Hell, we weren’t even friends.”

Michael got onto his feet, shaking off Debbie’s hands. “I am your best friend!”

“That only exists in your mind. It’s part of your fantasy. Friends take interest in each other’s lives,” Brian reminded him.

“You never told me anything about you or your life.”

“That’s true. But it takes a lot of trust, and I…” Brian thought about it for a moment. “Usually, you’d confront me with an advice. Or should I say accusation? Almost everything you say to me sounds like an accusation. Like when you read about my father’s funeral and felt urged to tell me your opinion about my alleged misbehavior.”


	2. The Funeral (flashback)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three months prior the anniversary, Debbie’s house

“What are we waiting for?” Emmett asked when they all had gained their seats at the table, but the plates were still empty.

“Not what, whom,” Ted corrected him. “Brian’s always…”

Emmett nodded. “…fashionably late. But it has gotten better since he’s with Justin.”

Everyone laughed, only Michael frowned.

“Well, it’s their problem when their food gets cold.” Debbie rose to get her famous baked Rigatoni.

That moment the door was opened and Brian and Justin came in, apparently in a splendid mood. It caused Michael’s mood to sink even lower. Since he’d gotten back from Portland, almost everything had been about Justin. His therapies, his well-being, his problems. Nobody seemed to care about him anymore. His friends, his mother, and his uncle—who now all turned around to greet the couple—were all busy caring about Brian’s boytoy.

Only Ben, sitting next to him and smiling at him, didn’t join in. But he was new to the family and didn’t know much about them.

“Brian and I used to be best friends,” Michael had told him, “but we drifted apart when I got together with David.”

That was a lie, of course. They drifted apart when Justin had entered the stage and Brian had fallen for him. Michael had recognized it even before Brian. He’d seen Brian picking up a few hundred boys and could tell his reaction towards Justin had been different.

It still drove him nuts. He hated watching them joking and giggling like newlyweds while they were getting out of their boots and jackets and then walking over to the sink to wash their hands.

“Where have you been?” he asked when he noticed a piece of hay on Brian’s pullover.

Brian’s gaze was indifferent when he turned to Michael. “Horseback riding.”

“Horseback riding? You?” Disbelieving laugh.

Brian had always despised that Michael questioned everything he did. But since he was with Justin, he felt a wave of anger creeping up whenever Michael pretended to know him better than anyone else.

“It was part of the therapy program to regain coordination and strength,” he explained, getting over to the table, giving Emmett a peck on the cheek. Their relationship had changed since the worst night of Brian’s life. “I took him there, it looked interesting, so I tried. Makes a great ass. And there are also other advantages.” He grinned, sitting down next to Justin and receiving his plate with Rigatoni from Debbie.

“Like the after program in the haystack?” Emmett asked, drawing Brian’s attention to the piece of hay.

“Good observation,” Brian praised him. “I always loved that about you.”

Emmett laughed. “I knew a guy once who had this thing for barns. He got totally turned on when he saw straw or hay. Unfortunately, I’m scared of horses. They are so big and… I don’t know. I never trusted them.”

The chatting went on for a while. The familiar small talk and jokes. Until Michael remarked, “My condolences for your loss, by the way.”

Everyone stopped eating for a moment, looking at Brian.

The next wave of anger arose. With Justin’s help he’d managed to forget about the funeral, and now Michael had to remind him.

Whenever his family somehow got back into his life, the pain returned. When he’d received the message about his father’s death, all the terrible memories had rushed over him. The darkness, the fear, the helplessness, the despair. To his anger and shame, he’d cried in Justin’s arms that night. His boyfriend hadn’t asked much or had given him any reason to be ashamed, though. He’d just been there for him. Now Brian could tell by the brusque way how Justin took the spoon that he was as furious as he was.

“What do you mean?” Brian asked, his voice as cold as ice. It told everyone at the table that it wasn’t a topic he wished to discuss. Everyone but Michael.

“I’m talking about the death of your father!” Michael the drama queen.

“Oh, that,” Brian said as if they were talking about passing the pepper.

“You still have some hay there,” Justin remarked, running his fingers through Brian’s hair. He looked at Michael, trying to signal him to shut the fuck up.

Michael ignored him, though. “Why didn’t you go to the funeral?”

“Are you keeping tags on my now?” There was the typical friendly smile, masking Brian’s reluctance.

Emmett exchanged irritated glances with Ted. When would Michael ever learn to stay out of Brian’s crosshairs? Or at least, recognize there were different ways of asking? Whenever Michael addressed Brian, he sounded like an overdramatic mother, demanding to know where her teenage son had spent the night. No wonder he never got any answers.

“I saw the announcement in the paper. That’s all,” Michael defended himself. “His funeral was this morning, but I know you went to work. And at the time of the reception, you came to the diner to take your boytoy to horseback riding and then playing ‘catch me if you can’ in a haystack.”

“How does any of this bother you?” Brian asked, still calm from the outside. Inside a volcano came to life, ready to explode and burn everything in his wake to the ground.

Justin put his hand on Brian’s thigh, sensing the growing distress of his partner. It wasn’t just Brian’s anger towards Michael. It was the topic as such. Justin had understood that Brian’s weapon of choice against the abuse always had been suppression. If it wasn’t there and didn’t happen, it couldn’t bother him. It was a pattern he’d developed from an early age on, which almost made it impossible to break it now. It had been huge he’d told him a few bits and pieces that night. It was a sign of trust that had filled Justin with warmth and love.

“How can you not go to your father’s funeral?” Michael, indulging in histrionics, made everyone rolled their eyes. Even Ben looked at him as if he saw him for the first time. Well, that facet was probably new to him.

Brian took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to.”

“You should’ve paid him some respect!” Michael shouted, gesticulating wildly. “Or at least you should’ve supported your mother and sister!”

The lava, deep down in the volcano, began to cook. Brian jumped up his seat. The feigned friendliness had vanished. “You earn respect in life, not because you die! And who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do? Why do you even care? You don’t know my family. You never even met them.”

“Maybe because you never invited me over?” Michael asked, still in disgust. “Or maybe because you never talked about them?”

“You never asked!”

Michael got onto his feet too. “I’m asking you now!”

For a moment, the so-called two best friends stood there in silence, the table between them, facing each other like enemies.

“I’m just wondering how coldhearted you actually are,” Michael remarked.

Before Brian could reply anything, Justin got up, taking bis partner by the hand. “We should go now. Thanks for the food, Debbie. It was delicious!”

Debbie reacted instantly, putting on a smile. “Thank you. It’s always a pleasure to have you over,” she added with a reprehensive glance at Michael.

“We wanted to watch that movie you told me about, do you remember?” Justin went on talking, while he dragged Brian with him to the wardrobe. He had to get his boyfriend away from Michael as far as possible, or something terrible would happen.

“Sure.” Brian shook off the gloomy feelings that had taken possession of him. He’d spend the night with his boyfriend, freezing everything else out. He was a master stonewaller. He could beat this. Michael’s remarks couldn’t hurt him.


	3. The unpleasant details

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party

“I never meant accusing you of anything,” Michael defended himself, still pressing one hand to his face. “I saw the announcement by chance and couldn’t believe you didn’t take part, didn’t say goodbye.”

“There you go again,” Brian remarked sharply. “In your opinion I should’ve gone there, which gave you the right to criticize me. And it was never any different. When you had your head in the clouds, living in your fantasy, I was Superman. Otherwise, I was the object of your disapproval. That’s because we’ve nothing in common, Mikey. I’ve always been aware of it. But you had something I never had. A real home. A loving mom. A wonderful uncle. And you were the only other boy in class that was like me. Everyone here knows what it feels like to grow up and realize you’re different. And how relieved you are when you discover you aren’t the only one.”

Debbie stopped trying to hand Michael an ice-bag, looking at Brian in surprise. She’d sensed there was something wrong with him, with his home. She’d never thought, though, that he’d caused all that trouble only to be with her and Vic. When she remembered back now, Brian indeed hadn’t shown much interest in spending time with Michael. But he’d loved family dinner and had been a sucker for family games and TV nights. It brought tears to her eyes to think he’d joined them because they were the only ones that gave him a little love.

“And, of course, it feels good for a while to have your own personal fanboy,” Brian continued, still standing upright, with Justin at his side. “Someone who tells you every day how gorgeous you are and how beautiful. Someone who admires you, adores you, and cheers you on no matter how fucked up you may be. Especially when everyone else thinks you’re a worthless piece of shit that should’ve never been born. That’s great for your ego. It helped me strive, to stand up for myself. Or in other words, it was too tempting to end your obsession with me.”

“I was never obsessed with you!” Michael protested, avoiding the glance at Ben. What would he think of him? Moments ago, when Brian punched him, Ben had been ready to defend him. Now the expression on his face was skeptical.

Debbie nudged her son. “Of course, you were!” It had never been about Brian. It had always been about Michael’s unhealthy obsession with him. Brian was right. It had been like an addiction, and calling Justin a parasite was a serious relapse.

“Later, I liked the idea we were a gang,” Brian went on. “I know that Emmett and Ted are your friends, not mine. I was just tagging along because you couldn’t let go of me. But I liked the illusion of being a part of something. A part of a family. And I knew it would all break if I pushed you away.”

He’d been on his own since the day he’d been born and he’d thought it wouldn’t bother him. But somehow, he’d gotten used to them. Sometimes he’d even liked Michael. When they’d been joking around with the others. When they’d had fun together.

“The only one I brought in was Lindsay. Unfortunately, Melanie hates me, so it would’ve been likely to lose everything and everyone.” Sarcastically, Brian smiled at his friend’s partner, and Melanie replied in the same way. “Your mother, your uncle, your friends would’ve chosen you over me. You’re the nice boy next door. The innocent and cute one. I’m the official bad boy. The heartless one. Promiscuous, vain, narcissistic, egocentric, cynical, cold. Partly it’s even true,” he admitted with a shrug, “Sometimes I really don’t feel anything and I don’t care about anyone or anything. That’s why I fucked around, drank, and did drugs.”

“You still fuck around,” Michael remarked, and again, it sounded like an accusation.

“Seems you aren’t up to date, Mikey. I haven’t since the night Justin almost died.” The weeks when Justin had been in hospital and then in recovery had been like hell on earth. Brian had gone through severe withdrawal symptoms of all kinds. Obviously, he’d overdone drinking and doing drugs. But the worst part had been the lack of sex. Since he’d been fourteen, he’d hardly experienced a day without sex. Waiting for Justin to recover and allow him to get intimate with him, almost had driven him crazy. Strangely, he hadn’t felt the urge to have sex with anyone else, though. It hadn’t returned either. He could hardly believe it, but they were a fucking damn monogamous couple. Something he’d despised, but now it felt natural.

“You asked me why I didn’t go to my father’s funeral. Well, Mikey, that’s because the people you wanted me to support and respect are the ones who did this to me. They made me the way I am. Every terrible aspect of my life is because of them. And every positive, like being successful in my job or gotten into some money, I achieved by myself. They never gave me a single cent; I earned it all by myself. They never helped me with anything, neither with advice, a good example, or the slightest support. You probably remember when I said they had to travel to a funeral on the day of our graduation, don’t you?”

Michael nodded, not sure what to think.

“Well, I lied,” Brian admitted. “They never planned to go because they never cared about me. They never wanted me. I was an accident—probably the result of a rape—and my father wanted to have me aborted. He didn’t want a second child. Especially not a boy. A daughter you can at least fuck, but what was a boy supposed to be good for? It’d be only a useless mouth to feed. My mother refused to get rid of me because it would’ve been against her faith. God would’ve been against it. That’s the only thing she’s ever lived for—for the love of God.”

Concerned, Justin clutched Brian’s arm a little tighter. He could sense the pain, the despair creeping up in his boyfriend. The cynical tone gave him away, even though he appeared calm.

“He was a drinker, a gambler, a felon with a rap sheet a mile long.” Brian’s voice was slightly shaking when he continued. He felt, though, that he had to speak it out. No matter what anyone would think of him afterwards. It couldn’t get worse. “He didn’t earn one honest dollar in his whole fucking life. He was always involved in something shady. But in all those years he was only in prison twice, and it wasn’t for long. He was a violent, abusive, perverted piece of shit that doesn’t deserve any respect. The only time he ever spoke to me after I left home was when he needed money. Placed his last dollars on the wrong horse and then came to me, asking me to help him out.”

The others looked at him in disbelief. Some of them expected an abusive home, but this sounded far worse.

“My mother pretends to be a saint, talking about how she sacrificed herself for the sake of the family, how she drew his attention towards her so that he wouldn’t hurt us. But it’s not true. Usually, she just stood there and watched. With a drink in her hand and a cold smile on her face.” Brian’s voice got flat when he recalled that memory. A shiver ran over Justin’s back, even though he was the only one who had known how terrible it had actually been.

“She pitted my sister and me against each other, brainwashed Claire. I’m the classic stonewaller, she’s the classic Stockholmer. Two different types of victims that can’t find a way to talk to each other. So, we were never able to help each other.” Brian took a deep breath, looking at Michael. “I didn’t want to go to his funeral because I’m glad he’s gone,” he stated firmly. “Why should I go there and pretend I’m sad? I didn’t wanna watch my mother playing the martyr or my sister bawling her eyes out. She isn’t grieving about him, though, it’s about herself. But she’s too messed up to realize it. I didn’t wanna meet my brother-in-law who is the same pervert as our father was. He’d kill Claire on the spot if it ever came out that his eldest son is our father’s child. A fact my mother helps Claire to cover up instead of protecting her from him in the first place.”

A loud gasp and a quiet murmur went through the lines of the listeners. Lindsay pressed her hand to her mouth in disbelief. She’d known Brian for such a long time, but never guessed it would be that bad.

“I spent my life in a cold, dark cage behind thick walls. If no one could get to me, I couldn’t get hurt. That may have worked, but it also cost me a lot. It makes me a shitty friend, a terrible boyfriend, unable to…” Brian’s voice broke, and he bit his lower lip. Fighting back tears, he continued, “I don’t know how or why, but Justin somehow managed to open that cage.”

This time it was Justin who gasped. When he’d learned more about Brian’s background, he’d realized that he’d probably never hear the famous three words. Brian was unable to articulate his emotions or show them like other people because he’d never learned how. Justin had gotten used to reading between the lines and validating the gestures. That line had been a big, fat “I love you.” It warmed Justin’s heart, and it made him think of the probably most significant moment so far…


	4. The first time (flashback)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some months prior the anniversary party when Brian and Justin were discussing Justin’s problems about tuition.

“I’m serious,” Justin insisted. “It doesn’t feel right that I always depend on you. I already live with you. You pay for almost everything. And now you also have to pay for my education? It makes me feel…” He was pacing up and down the loft, gesticulating wildly, while grasping for the right words. “…uneasy, unequal. Like I was the boytoy Michael used to call me.” He turned to Brian. “Do you understand what I mean?”

Inwardly, Brian sighed. Usually, Justin was mature enough to deal with all kinds of issues, but he didn’t seem to see the full consequences of this one. Unfortunately, he was a terrible bullhead, and it was difficult to talk him out of something.

“I do.” Brian got up from the sofa, walking towards Justin. “But this is your father’s fault. He put you into this situation the moment he forced you out of the house. Now he refuses to pay for your education. And I don’t… I mean I don’t define us…” he began to stammer. “I don’t care about the money. It… doesn’t mean anything to me. You… Money is not important.”

Shit! Life had been so easy as long as it had only evolved around himself. Being in a relationship was a daily struggle and like a journey through uncharted waters.

Justin could almost sense the inner fight of his boyfriend. It was happening again, and he was never sure what it was supposed to mean. “Is that a crooked way to tell me that you love me?”

Feeling like a child that had been caught with its hand in the cookie jar, Brian looked away.

Justin got closer to him, stroking his chest. “Why is it so difficult for you to say it?”

“I guess, it’s…” Brian paused, thinking of a way he could talk himself out of the situation. Finally, he decided for the truth. “Probably it’s because of what my parents did to me.”

His glance made Justin shiver. Dark, desperate. It was also a plea to understand him without making him talk. “It’s difficult for me because I know so little,” Justin replied to the unspoken request. “I know you don’t want to get into it. But it’s there. Every day. It affects us. And I’m juggling with bits and pieces. You said they never wanted you. And there obviously was domestic abuse. Violence. Coldness.”

Brian’s ‘yes’ was a blink which made his lashes look like a wing of a butterfly. Fragile beauty. A term that often sprang to Justin’s mind when he looked at his boyfriend.

“What do you feel right now?” he inquired. “What do you feel when I demand to know things? Or when you know you should say something nice? Like that you care for me and not the money.”

Brian hesitated. “I feel blocked.” He shrugged, then he smiled, self-deprecating. “I guess I’m scared.”

Justin caressed his hands in a soothing manner. “What are you scared of? That I might reject you? Or that I could use it against you and hurt you?”

“Something like that, I guess,” Brian admitted, feeling uneasy.

“Because that’s what they did? They pushed you away? They used the natural love every kid has for its parents against you?”

Justin had to be satisfied with another nonverbal confirmation, knowing that he wouldn’t get much more tonight. He was proven right when Brian changed the subject hastily.

“Look, I was in the same situation once. My parents never gave me a single cent, and they didn’t care whether I got a proper education or not. But I was lucky enough to get a scholarship. I’d also saved up some money and I had quite a good job. So, I moved out. I lived in a shitty hole in the wall, dirty and ugly, but I was able to pay the rent and cover all of my expenses. Until I realized that college isn’t just about tuition.”

Justin took a step back, but he didn’t let go of Brian’s hands. “What do you mean?”

“I needed books I couldn’t get from the library. I needed all kinds of material. Then there was a seminar here and a field trip there. And, of course, it was necessary and not covered by the scholarship,” Brian explained. “I ended up in getting a second job for the weekend. Now I was busy every day. Up to twenty hours a day. College, studying, all kinds of extras, first job, second job. I was in the permanent state of falling asleep right where I was standing. I was always hungry because I had to cut my expenses somehow. I never had a night off. And coffee doesn’t help for long, believe me. It was totally counterproductive to my goals. You can’t be an A student—and you have to be an A student if you want one of the top jobs later—and be overworked and tired as hell at the same time. And then, I had to do an internship to complete the trimester. An internship means you don’t have much time for anything else, and you don’t earn a single cent. That was the end. I was broke and out of moves.”

“What did you do?”

Brian sighed, remembering how desperate he’d been back then. “I had to ask for help. And you know how much I hate doing that. But it would’ve killed me eventually. And I wouldn’t have achieved my goals. Michael had just moved to his own apartment at the time. So, I moved in with Debbie. It reduced my expenses as I didn’t have to pay any rent and, of course, she fed me.”

Justin laughed. “Of course, she did.”

“I gave up the second job, reduced the first and borrowed some money from friends,” Brian continued. “I found out that it was more effective to work full time during summer and save up some money. However, at the end of my education I had a lot of debts. I paid them all back when I got my first job. The moral of the story is that you will make the same experience if you’re going through with your idea of earning the money for the tuition yourself. But college time is supposed to be fun. You almost died. You should enjoy yourself.” He caressed Justin’s cheek, playing with his hair.

“Okay,” Justin said, “I give up. I’m gonna take your money.”

He still didn’t look happy, though. “How about I’d pull a few strings?” Brian asked when he got an idea. “There’s a client who’s currently looking for some decoration for his new office. I’ll get you the job, and HE pays you. Would that make you feel any better?”

“What do you mean with decoration?” Justin inquired warily.

“Paintings,” Brian replied firmly. “What did you think? He’s looking for two big, modern, colorful paintings for the entrance hall. Interested?”

*

Three weeks later Justin received the check for his work and couldn’t believe his eyes. “Fourteen thousand?” he asked in disbelief, while walking over to the bedroom. He’d put a lot of energy into the paintings, and he’d been proud of the result, but… “Fourteen thousand dollars?”

Brian paused in unbuttoning his shirt. “What did you expect? That they would give you only a few hundred? And don’t be in awe. This won’t be enough to cover all of your expenses, believe me. We’re gonna have the same conversation again in about two years. But it’s a start.”

Justin began to realize that no matter what other job he might have taken, he wouldn’t have gotten far. He decided not to think about it too much. Life was good right now. He should enjoy it.

“I deserve a treat for my first big job,” he said with a smile, putting the check away and stepping towards Brian.

“Oh, yeah? And what would be that?” Brian took off his pants, sitting down on the bed, naked.

Justin just smiled, pushing him gently onto the bed. Slowly, he took off his own clothes. With a demanding glance he came over him. So far, Brian had always turned him down, but Justin was no longer willing to accept it. Their partnership was unequal, and it wasn’t only in life.

Anxiety was creeping up in Brian; he tensed up without wanting it. He knew he couldn’t run away from this forever. Justin deserved some equality. He deserved some trust.

“But be careful,” he whispered, getting hold of Justin’s hands in a reflex.

It confused Justin for a moment. Yes, Brian was a classic top, so he naturally never bottomed for anyone, but… A terrible suspicion sprang to his mind. Was is possible that…?

He decided not to ask or say anything. It would have just given Brian an opportunity to talk himself out of the situation. So, he smiled and then kissed his way down, snatching the lube from the nightstand.

He felt the tension in Brian’s body and how he cringed when he put his fingers onto his partner’s gouch. That was weird. Brian sometimes allowed guys to rim or finger him. He used toys too. So, it wasn’t that he was a total virgin or not used to have anything up his ass. It had to be the idea to… get fucked? Give up control? Being topped by someone?

Justin gave his best to make him forget about it by putting a lot of effort into his blowjob and the play of his fingers.

Soon, Brian relaxed, telling himself that it was all right. Somewhere, in the backmost corner of his subconscious, though, there was still a shred of doubt, a last piece of fear. What if…? It took him by surprise when Justin leaned over him to kiss him. He hadn’t noticed when he’d replaced his fingers with his dick.

For a short moment he tensed up again, but it hadn’t hurt, and it didn’t feel strange. It was… awesome. He gave in to the kisses and the careful moves of his lover, closing his legs around him. He gave in to the new feeling. It was different to what he’d experienced so far, and it was different to what he’d expected.

If he’d reached an anal orgasm at all, it had usually taken very long. This time, the arousal grew quickly, consumed him, made him forget all reluctance.

Justin watched his partner closely, reading his reactions. There might be many blanks in Brian’s life, but at least Justin knew everything about him when it came to sex. He sped up when Brian was close, leading him to one of the most intense orgasms they’d ever encountered together.

Confused and amazed, Brian opened his eyes, looking into Justin’s blue ones.

“You’ve never done that before,” Justin stated, still slightly out of breath.

Embarrassed, Brian closed his eyes again.

Justin watched him blush, and he knew he had to be careful now. Gently, he caressed his partner’s shoulders, stroking his cheek with his fingertips. “Had you been scared of it?”

He took the way Brian compressed his lips as a yes.

“The domestic abuse wasn’t just about violence, was it? Your father did that to you, didn’t he?”

Brian sighed. He knew he couldn’t avoid this. Not with Justin. “He raped my sister, but he wasn’t interested in me. He only hit me when I was in his way or somehow managed to pull his aggro—to say it in gamers’ speech. It… was my mother.”

“What?!” Before Justin had reminded himself not to show any impulsive reactions, but he hadn’t expected that.

“It’s not about the pain… because it wasn’t about penetration. Obviously. It was… Let’s say she had a very strange way of being close to me.” Brian looked at him, insecure.

“That’s… horrible.” Briefly, Justin didn’t know what else to say. “Don’t be ashamed of it,” he added hastily. “You were a kid. There was nothing you could’ve done.” He paused, settling his thoughts. “It’s about control, right? About trust. You’re scared someone might betray your confidence and take control over you, doing things you don’t want.”

“I guess so,” Brian confirmed, even though he wasn’t completely sure about it. He avoided thinking about what had happened to him or why he was the way he was. It would just make things more complicated. The damage was done and couldn’t be fixed.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Justin asked, now insecure himself, running his fingers through Brian’s hair. “Or made you feel uncomfortable?”

“You didn’t.” Brian gave him a precarious smile. “And it would be strange if I didn’t trust you, wouldn’t it?”


	5. The truth about Portland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party.

Yes, Justin probably was the only one who’d ever been close to Brian. Were the famous three words really crucial? Justin had been struggling with that question for a while. He guessed, though, that he just wanted to hear them because he’d grown up with the idea that love was only true when it was spelled out.

Meanwhile, he’d come to the conclusion that it might be pleasant hearing them, but they weren’t worth anything if any action didn’t follow them. Brian had changed for him. He’d stood up for him. He’d gone through rough times with him. And right now, he was defending him, even if it meant destroying his relationship with his best friend forever.

At the same time, you could hardly call Michael a friend. Justin had constantly been wondering about their relationship. It seemed toxic, wrong and weird. It had been primarily Michael’s repeated exclamation that had Justin—and probably everyone else—made believe in their friendship.

Nothing of it was left. They were facing each other, Michael defensive, Brian unfamiliarly emotional.

“If I’d ever needed a friend,” Brian went on, “it would’ve been then. It was never planned to live with Justin. Or to be with him. But it happened, and I’d to cope with it.”

“It was your choice to take him in,” Michael said, and again, it sounded like an accusation. “No one forced you to.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Brian disagreed. “We sat down with his parents to talk, trying to obtain a solution, a compromise. But his father was so full of hate that there wasn’t any other choice.”

Michael shrugged. “It still wasn’t your problem.”

Brian scoffed. “Haven’t you listened to me? How could I’ve left him in a situation like this when I know how it feels when your own parents hate you? Don’t forget his father attacked me. And I knew he’d hit Justin once. They would’ve never worked it out. It would’ve just gotten worse.”

 _You also did it because you already had feelings for me_ , Justin added in his mind. _You made that decision when my father pointed at you, saying, ‘And you’ll never ever see him again!’ You didn’t like that._ He smiled at that thought.

“And how could Justin have ever gone back pretending he was the nice, neat, well-behaved son once he sets foot into such an enticing world?” Brian asked.

“Your world,” Michael pointed out.

“Our world. We all had been in Justin’s shoes once.”

Emmett, Ted, and some other listeners nodded.

“However,” Brian continued, “I could’ve needed some support. I was so scared I’d fuck it up,” he admitted with an embarrassed smile, then changed the subject hastily. “I was never angry with you, though. We’ve been in this toxic relationship for so long that it probably was a reflex of you detesting Justin. When you turned to David—even though I knew you didn’t love him…”

Michael protested. “I did love him!”

“Oh, come on.” Brian dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “We all know it’s not true. But it doesn’t matter. It was your chance to finally get away from your addiction, to improve, to achieve something. It was the beginning of a new path. Also going to Portland with him. It wasn’t what you wanted to do, and I was sure you’d be back soon, but you’d finally make some experiences away from me and your usual boring life, your miserable job, and the same old habits. It didn’t even bother me that you lied about already being in Portland when…”

“I already WAS in Portland!” Michael cut him off, in disgust.

“No, you weren’t,” Ted disagreed. “When I called you, I heard an announcement over PA in the background, calling passengers for the flight TO Portland. I doubt very much there are flights from Portland to Portland.” He turned to Brian. “But how did you know? I never told you.”

“I overheard when you told Emmett. I wasn’t asleep,” Brian explained. “However, I got it, Mikey. Your decision to go to Portland was also the decision to do something about your obsession with me. And you decided not to postpone your flight because you weren’t sure if you were able to pretend you’d care. Not only about Justin, but also about me. Even though I’m sure, a small part of you struggled with the idea that you might finally have a chance if Justin died. Then you could be there, console me, support me, and maybe I’d fall into your arms and your fantasy would come true.” His voice got more and more sarcastic.

“Then again,” he added, “a fantasy is exactly that. It breaks and crumbles to dust the moment it gets fulfilled. Even though it has been your urge, your fuel over the past fifteen years, you know it’s just a dream that’ll never come true. Because reality is totally different. Even Justin’s death wouldn’t have changed that. Somewhere deep inside you were aware of it. That’s why you lied to Ted and got onto that plane instead of joining us at the hospital. Funny enough, your friends had been a lot more upset about it than I was.”

Emmett stepped forward, touching Brian’s arm. “We aren’t only his friends, honey, we’re also yours. Yours and Justin’s.”

“It wasn’t a given you were there for me that night,” Brian said, feeling awkward when he recalled how he’d cried in Emmett’s arms.

“To me it was,” Emmett assured him, stroking his shoulder. In opposite to some other people at the party, he wasn’t surprised about Brian’s confessions. He’d seen Brian “naked” that night. Without any shields. And he’d realized everything they seemed to know about him was presumably dead wrong.

“And you know what, Mikey?” Brian went on, and now his voice was harsh. “If Justin had died that night, I would’ve killed myself. All your hopes you may have had would’ve been in vain. If he leaves me one day—because he’s finally had enough of me, or he meets someone else he wants to be with, or our paths lead in contrary directions—it’ll hurt. But I’ll know he’s alive and hopefully well and happy. But losing him like this… It would’ve been like the sun goes down and never rises again.”

It made everyone—except Michael—shiver, while Brian fought back tears. Justin stared him in disbelief, realizing that Brian loved him more he’d be ever able to show or express verbally.

“You can’t go back into a cage once you escaped from it,” Brian finally continued. “Things have changed. And you may think he’s too young and the wrong partner for me, but… He’s the first person ever that was able to get behind all those walls. And I think it means something, despite whatever people may say.”

It brought tears of emotion to Justin’s eyes, while Emmett nodded towards Michael. His friend hadn’t wanted to believe when he’d told him Brian wouldn’t have survived Justin’s death.

His mind wandered back to the gloomiest night of Brian’s life…


	6. The night after the prom (flashback)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prom was one of their most intense storylines. But even this one is flawed. Who gave a shit about Michael in that moment? (Go to Portland and never come back! And do it quietly, not in the middle of THE dance!) Why didn’t they stay with Brian after Justin had been attacked? What did he tell the paramedics that they allowed him to drive with them? “I’m his boyfriend”? Why did they have to ruin the scene at the hospital? Michael was the last person on this planet I wanted to be with Brian in this moment.  
> I always liked the idea that Brian and Emmett could be friends because they had a lot more in common than Brian and Michael ever had. (I also liked that Brian and Ted teamed up in S4 because even they had a better chemistry.) That’s why I chose Emmett to be with him at the hospital in my “how I wanted it to be” universe.

Emmett had received the phone call with surprise. Had Brian ever called him before? Why hadn’t he called Michael? Sure, he was about to move to Portland, but there were still a few hours left. And the Brian Emmett had believed to know wouldn’t have hesitated to ruin his friend’s plans.

Subconsciously, Emmett had always been suspicious. Something didn’t add up. Michael had claimed again and again that he and Brian had been best friends since high school. But their friendship basically consisted of Michael running after Brian and sticking his nose into everything.

Whereas Brian had never expressed any interest in what Michael was doing. He’d only offered his support when Michael was in trouble somehow, while Emmett had never seen Michael actually helping Brian. Intermeddling wasn’t the same as offering support.

Since Brian had met Justin, they’d been drifting apart. Brian had changed more and more, maintaining his distance. Michael had been jealous, angry, then turned to David. Funny enough, Brian had stayed in touch with Emmett and Ted, while Michael had been too busy with his new life to spend time with them. It had been weird because Emmett and Ted had never considered to be actually befriended with Brian.

They hadn’t because Michael hadn’t wanted them to be, Emmett realized in this gloomy hour in front of the ICU. He recalled the time when he’d just moved to Pittsburgh. Michael had introduced him to Ted and Brian, two very different friends of his, and they’d become a gang.

One day, when Michael and Ted had been elsewhere, Emmett had spent the afternoon with Brian. It had been a spontaneous decision. They’d gone shopping, joking around, laughing a lot. Actually, they’d pretty much in common, sharing the same opinions about certain things as well as some interests.

When Michael had heard about their shopping tour, he’d freaked out and made a scene every drama queen would’ve gone green with envy. He’d acted as if they were his naughty children who hadn’t asked his permission to go play ball in the backyard. In the following, he’d told Emmett all kinds of horrible things about Brian, and had established a common opinion about his so-called best friend: Brian was a narcissistic, unpredictable, unapologetic prick.

Now Emmett asked himself why on earth he’d believed that shit. His picture of Brian at that afternoon had been an entirely different one. And it should’ve alarmed him that Brian actually never appeared the way Michael painted him. He was the king of the scene, and was having his fun. So what? He also was successful at his job, always generous, always there if anyone needed his support. How could you call that selfish and uncaring?

Since he’d met Justin, things had changed anyway. He didn’t even fuck around so much anymore, even though he’d insisted they weren’t in any relationship. Later he’d said it was an open relationship. He’d never disagreed, though, when someone had called Justin his boyfriend. And he’d done so much for him.

“You even went to his prom to prove that you love him,” Emmett said, thoughtfully, holding Brian in his arms.

He’d never seen him like that, and he realized that “Brian Kinney” was some kind of a brand. A picture he created, a mask he wore, a role he played. In fact, he was a desperate child that was now sobbing in his arms. A child that had spent its whole life in some dark hole and never really got out of it. A child that had built thick walls around its heart. They shielded it from pain, but they also made it impossible for anyone to get to it. Justin somehow had managed it, and the prospect of losing him had broken down all the walls at once.

“I shouldn’t have gone there,” Brian mumbled, clenching his fingers into Emmett’s arms. “I endangered him. I…”

“This isn’t your fault,” Emmett cut him off. He took hold of Brian’s face, brushing tears of his cheeks. How was it possible that his eyes looked darker than usual? “Listen to me—this isn’t your fault. You didn’t go there to provoke anyone, did you? Well, maybe a little. But it wasn’t your primary intention. And why should anything happen? Especially something like that. Something so… drastic? At a prom? We’re used to being stared at as if we were exotic animals. But this?”

Brian gulped, still breathing too fast. “But I… Maybe he even planned it.” He didn’t know where that thought came from. “Because… I mean where did he get that baseball bat from? He went and got it. He followed us, waiting for me to get into the car, so I’d be out of the way. Then going after Justin, and he would’ve gone on bashing him if I hadn’t pushed him away. He wanted to kill him. This is so absurd…” His voice broke.

“See? It was impossible to foresee a reaction like this. Because it is insane!”

“It always can happen. I should’ve…”

“No!” Emmett chipped in firmly, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him lightly. “We can’t live in the shadows only because of the possibility that someone might attack us. Justin was bold enough to get out of the closet and stand up to his entire school. And he asked you to stand by his side, showing everyone that you two belong together. And what did you do? You danced together. Woah, that’s a horrible thing to do!”

“I also kissed him,” Brian admitted, shyly. “In front of everybody.”

“And now you feel like Judas?” Emmett asked. “The treacherous kiss so that everyone knew whom to nail to the cross? Have you already received your bag of silver dollars? Brian, that may be the reason the boy snapped, but there must be something terribly wrong with him. How could you possibly know that? Because Justin provoked him in front of Woody’s? He’s a schoolboy and childish enough to gain his revenge by setting Justin’s locker on fire. But a cold-blooded murderer? He definitely didn’t look like that to me.”

“No, but…”

“Stop blaming yourself!”

Brian scoffed. “Everyone will blame me. Like they’ve been blaming me for the whole thing.”

“What do you mean? The whole thing?” Emmett inquired, confused.

“I seduced him, remember?” Brian gave him a watered grin, a shadow of his former cynicism. “I molested him, bent him to my will. I put all the weird ideas in his head. That he wants to be an artist, that he’s not interested in his father’s company. And, of course, I turned him gay.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Emmett caressed his cheeks. “And aren’t we always guilty of everything? Wars, terrorism, diseases… Whenever someone needs a scapegoat, they’ll blame it on us. But the only one who’s guilty of this attack is Chris Hobbs because he’s a homophobic psychopath.”

“If Justin dies…” Brian was choking on the next wave of hysteria.

“He won’t die.” Emmett pulled him back into his arms, soothing him. “He’s young, healthy, and strong. He can beat this.”

“You don’t know that,” Brian whispered, sobbing.

Emmett sighed in relief when Ted was finally coming back with a doctor. Why hadn’t anyone checked on Brian ages ago? Emmett wasn’t medically trained, but he’d been able to recognize right away that Brian was suffering from a shock and needed medical attention.

While the doctor knelt in front of Brian, Emmett exchanged a worried glance with Ted. If Justin died, they would lose both of them…


	7. I'll never forgive you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party.

Later, when Brian had dozed away—occupying an unused gurney in the corridor, his head in Emmett’s lap—Ted had told Emmett about his phone call to Michael.

“Why did he lie?” he’d asked.

“Maybe because he thinks he can’t support Brian,” Emmett had replied, deep in thoughts, “not when it comes to Justin. Maybe he even secretly wishes he’d die.”

Ted had been disgusted back then, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Almost everything Michael had ever said about Brian had been proven wrong over the course of time.

Why exactly had they criticized Brian for being with Justin? It had only been because Michael had insisted on Justin being too young, hadn’t it? But Justin was mature for his age and pretty confident about what he wanted. They’d all witnessed the moment they’d met. Brian hadn’t talked Justin into anything. And it had been Justin who had kept coming back. Maybe Brian should’ve pushed him away a lot harder than he did. But obviously he’d already fallen for him and couldn’t resist. And who was Ted to blame him? He also had a few years on Blake.

And wasn’t it a good thing that Brian took Justin in? The only one who painted it black had been Michael. Debbie had agreed with him because she thought a boy couldn’t survive without his mother. Maybe that was Michael’s biggest problem—along with his obsession with Brian.

He remembered how Brian had had to defend his decision of taken Justin back home with him after the “peace talk” with the parents had failed. Both Michael and Debbie had attacked him. Michael because he couldn’t see how any of this was Brian’s business (or, in fact, because he was jealous and wanted Justin gone), Debbie because she’d thought Justin belonged home to his mother. Like he was eight years old, not almost eighteen.

Ted had stayed out of it. Later, when he’d had to defend himself for taking a chance on Blake, he’d understood how Brian must have felt. And Justin was only young, not a drug addict like Blake. Besides, what would’ve been the alternative for Justin? The gay youth shelter? Become a hustler and live on the street? Without education, without prospect?

No wonder, Brian always got frustrated when Michael was intermeddling. Ted had never seen him as frustrated as he was now, though.

“I started getting mad at you when you came back and pretended nothing happened,” Brian said. “Like never. As if you used a time machine, it was two years earlier and Justin didn’t exist. You never asked how we were doing. Instead, you had the nerve to ask if we were coming to Babylon when it was obvious Justin wasn’t even able to cut the meat on his plate.”

They’d all come together for dinner at Deb’s that night. Justin still had had huge coordination issues, but everyone had been optimistic. Michael had ignored him, and had told lies about his allegedly great life in Portland, still pretending he was only visiting.

“Everyone had joined in to help. Your mother, your uncle, our friends. They kept Justin company when I was at work. They took him to therapy or picked him up somewhere, they cooked, they spent time with us to make it a little more worthwhile. And you kept wondering why people were busy. Like that was a strange thing.”

“It was natural to help you and Sunshine.” Debbie smiled at him.

“No, it wasn’t,” Brian disagreed. Then continued, addressing Michael, “Or you asking me to go to that fucking comic book convention with you. You didn’t get that I was ironic when I said I’d love to. And then you were a total drama queen when I didn’t show up. Not even your own mother was pleased with you.”

Debbie rolled her eyes at her son. She’d despised indeed to see Michael falling back into his former bad habits.

“Then it seemed you finally found your path to your own personal happiness,” Brian went on. “You gave up your miserable job, launched your comic book store, and you met Ben. Just to make a one hundred eighty then. Starting with asking me about my father’s funeral. Now you’re calling my boyfriend a parasite. At least you finally admitted you wished he’d died. So much about being my best friend. Even if I were jealous, I’d never wish your partner would die, so that I could have you for myself. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I never meant to…” Michael started defending himself once more, but Brian cut him off.

“Then, why did you say it? You know what, Michael? I’m not sorry I punched you. We’ll probably get back to civilized terms because it would be too complicated for everyone involved if we were at war. I’ll never forgive you for wanting my boyfriend dead, though.”

“It’s…”

This time, Justin interrupted, “We should go now.” He put his arm around Brian’s hip, leading him through the crowd that was gathering Lindsay and Melanie’s garden. “What vacation you were talking about?” he shifted the subject immediately. He felt it would be better to put Brian’s mind at ease at the moment.

“Well,” Brian shrugged, “it’s your spring break, and I thought we’re due for something pleasant.”

“So, we are going soon?” Justin asked with growing excitement.

“On Thursday.”

“That’s in four days! Why haven’t you told me?”

“I’m telling you now.” Brian managed to smile, pushing away his anger towards Michael. “It still gives you enough time to get prepared.”

Justin’s heart beat faster, and he’d almost jumped up and down when they were walking down the street. It was true! They were going on a vacation! “Where are we going?”

“I guess, you’ll see when we get there.”

“That’s not fair!” Justin protested. “How am I supposed to get prepared if I don’t know where we are going?”

Brian just grinned at him. He’d been able to keep it a secret for so long; it shouldn’t be a problem to keep his mouth shut for another four days.

Justin wasn’t ready to give up easily. “How long are we going?”

“Two weeks.”

“Two weeks? That really is a vacation!”

Brian smiled at his enthusiasm. “I thought we should get away from everything for a while.”

Justin’s mind raced. Where could Brian possibly take him? He must have planned it for a while. What would he choose? In the beginning of their relationship, it would’ve probably been something scabrous. Now, Justin wasn’t sure. He hoped it wasn’t any beach resort or something boring like New York.

He had to tell Debbie that he couldn’t come to work during his spring break. Of course, he had to tell Daphne. And his mom.

During his recovery they had finally found a way back to each other. He’d been disappointed in her, felt like she’d betrayed him. And he’d been mad at her when he’d been in the hospital and she’d insisted on taking him home with her. Home. She’d gotten a divorce and moved into a house of her own, a house Justin had never been to. And then she’d wanted him to live there with her and Molly. She’d tried everything to talk him out of going back to Brian’s loft that had been his home for almost a year.

Once again, it had been Brian who’d made the difference…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's one of my deepest regrets. They allowed Brian to finally snap--and then he forgave him? Just like that?  
> I hated the whole Ethan storyline. Not so much because of Ethan, but because it didn't make any sense. The way they got there, the way they handled it... It didn't work for me. But at least it led to this scene when Brian finally had enough. And then--poof--everything was fine again only a few scenes later. And none of the other characters ever asked why Brian did what he did. WTF?  
> After all those years, it still drives me nuts.


	8. Making up with the moms I (flashback)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked Jennifer. But they never got into her betrayal. She promised Justin not to tell his father, and only because she realized then Brian was twelve years his senior, she broke that promise. Justin had to be disappointed, but they never addressed it. (Like so many other things.)  
> The scenes between Brian and Jennifer after the bashing are wonderful. Unfortunately, they don’t make any sense. (Like so many other things.)  
> Whenever a storyline was pointless or flawed—and many of them were—it was usually because the writers had to squeeze in Michael somehow. For whatever reason they brought him back in S2 (they even had the nerve to start with him—anyone else here who screamed, ‘Oh, no!’ when he turned up?), they had to give his miserable existence a purpose.  
> However, in my “how I wanted it to be” universe Justin and Jennifer didn’t talk much since Justin had moved in with Brian. The attack on him was a total shock for her. When she was trying to make up to him, she just made it worse. Her idea of Justin living with her after being relieved from the hospital drove him nuts.

When Brian answered the door, facing Jennifer Taylor, he scoffed. “Lemme guess. You want me to talk Justin out of coming home with me and talk him into living with you instead.”

Their paths had crossed a few times since Justin was in the hospital, and it had never been a pleasure. Jennifer had tried getting rid of him, but the circumstances were against her. Without Brian she wouldn’t even have heard of what had happened to her son. The doctors hadn’t listened to her when she’d claimed “jurisdiction” and wanted Brian gone. They’d still informed him about everything. And Justin hadn’t been happy to see her. He often ignored her or even reacted aggressively towards her.

Shyly, Jennifer entered the loft. It was the first time she was here. Hastily, she looked away when Brian threw the towel that had been slung around his hips onto the couch, grabbing a pair of jeans. He was a beautiful man, but he really was much too old for Justin.

“And, on top of it, disappear out of his life and never see him again.” Brian went over to the kitchen, buttoning his jeans.

“Basically,” Jennifer admitted, desperate. She didn’t even know why she was here. She couldn’t get through to Justin and was about to lose him forever. The only idea that had come to her mind was begging Brian to let go of her son.

“Or in other words, you want to turn back time to when he was still your sweet, innocent little boy,” Brian stated, taking glasses from the shelf. “Preferably at an age when you could tuck him in bed when he was sick or got hurt and read a fairytale to him.”

“That’s not true,” Jennifer defended herself. “I just…”

“I understand you,” Brian assured her. “I really do. You want him safe and sound. You want to protect him. You want what’s best for him. In your eyes. The problem is this isn’t about what you want. This is about what Justin wants. He’s the one that almost died. He’s the one that has a long road of recovery ahead of him. So, this is all about him.”

“I don’t wanna lose him!” Jennifer shouted in despair, close to tear.

“You already have. You did the moment you told your husband.”

“I had to tell him!”

“No, you didn’t,” Brian disagreed. “And look where it got you.” He looked at her for a moment, feeling sorry for her. “But you’re his mom, and you love him. You can always win his trust back and make this right. You won’t, though, by making him do something he doesn’t want to do. He already is frustrated and angry because he can’t remember, because he feels isolated and alone. He reacted aggressively to you from the moment you turned up, telling him what he was supposed to do. And now you’re trying to talk him out of coming home.”

“This isn’t his home!” Jennifer gesticulated wildly, glancing around the loft. She had to admit, though, it looked great. Exciting. Why would Justin prefer a boring townhouse when he could live in an apartment like this?

“Well, it was for almost a year,” Brian reminded her. “A year, in which, by the way, you never came to see him. This is the first time ever you set foot in this apartment. He could have needed you. I’m not the easiest person to live with, and he might have liked an advice or two. But you were too busy with your own problems and with blaming me for everything. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear, so he turned to other people. Like Lindsay and Melanie. You met them at the Gay & Lesbian Center. Meanwhile, they probably know more about Justin than you do. Why didn’t you stay in touch with them? They could’ve helped you. Or why have you never gotten back to Debbie’s invitation to join PFLAG?”

It almost looked like Jennifer was about to tear her hairs out when she brushed them back. She knew he was right. Why had she backed off when Justin moved out and refused to talk to her? She hadn’t even tried.

“And how are you planning on doing all this?” Brian asked.

“What do you mean?” Jennifer inquired, confused.

“The doctor said he shouldn’t be alone too much,” Brian explained, pouring water into the glasses. “There are four different appointments a week where someone has to drive him to and pick him up afterwards. I guess, you have to go to work sometimes. And you have a little daughter to look after. So, how are you planning on doing all this?”

“I’m going to find a way.” She dismissed it with a wave of her hand, even though she had no idea. And which appointments he was talking about? Why did he know and she didn’t? “What about you? I guess you have to go to work too.”

“I asked our friends for help. We’re going to work out a plan who is with him when, takes him to which therapy or picks him up. Why don’t you spare yourself a lot of trouble, give Justin what he wants and join in? You could spend some quality time with him, regain his trust and rebuild your relationship.”

“I wanted him to come home to…”

“Talk some sense into him? Push me out of his life? Well, as I’m the one who’s paying for this whole therapy thing, you can’t get completely rid of me anyway,” Brian remarked with a sarcastic smile, handing her one of the glasses. “I’d still get informed.”

Bewildered, Jennifer took the glass from him. “What do you mean you pay for it?”

“Not literally, but…” When he saw the expression on her face, he realized, “You have no idea, haven’t you? No, you really didn’t know. Your husband kicked Justin off the family health plan,” he revealed. “I got suspicious when he refused to pay the fee for the last semester. We checked, and it was true.”

Jennifer turned pale, her hand clutching the cold glass. Finally, that was the explanation why the doctors wouldn’t exclude Brian. He was the insurance holder. “What last semester?” she asked, her lips feeling numb.

“St. James Academy?”

“What?”

Brian scoffed, unable to believe she hadn’t been informed. “When Justin turned eighteen, your husband told him it was his last chance to come home. Or he had to suffer the consequences. As Justin can’t turn straight, he refused, and then was informed that the fee hadn’t been paid. Which meant he had to leave the school.”

“This is…” Jennifer stumbled. “No!”

“Hey.” He went over to her, grabbing her elbow and leading her to the couch. “I paid it, okay? Or how do you think he would’ve been able to go the prom?”

She looked up to him, realizing that they’d placed Justin’s fate and future into this man’s hands when Craig had refused to accept Justin’s demands. He’d called Brian a child molester, and secretly Jennifer had agreed. Craig had gone too far, though. If he’d allowed Justin his “disgusting lifestyle”, he would’ve stayed home and wouldn’t totally depend on Brian’s generosity.

“How… how could he do that?” she stammered, shocked.

“It’s called homophobia.” Brian sat down opposite of her. “It also means that your husband only loves Justin as long as he’s exactly the way he wants him to be. A good son. Which includes being straight.”

Justin had always been brave about the situation with his parents. But when he’d realized the love of his father was transactional, he’d cried in Brian’s arms for a while. It hadn’t been easy to soothe him.

“Maybe you should stop seeing me as your worst enemy. Also, making me the big bad wolf that lured your innocent little sheep into a trap, seduced and devoured it, has driven Justin away from you. Not only because you’re thinking so bad of me, but also because you don’t seem to have any faith in him. Like he’s too stupid and immature to make his own choices.”

Jennifer sipped the water, trying to overcome the fact that her ex-husband was worse than her son’s boyfriend. Boyfriend. Inwardly, she sighed.

“Remember your own youth,” Brian said. “Your first time. I’d take you as an earlier bloomer. Fifteen? Sixteen? And I bet you didn’t want one of the nice, clean, dreamy high school boys. You wanted someone wild, someone with experience, someone that could give you more than just vanilla. And you were matured enough to make that decision, weren’t you? And no one could’ve talked you out of it. Especially not your parents.”

Jennifer blushed. “You’re not far off.”

“I admit teenagers are sometimes wrong. Then they end up with a lover boy, a drug dealer, or any other criminal. That’s what parents are afraid of. I get that. But how often does that actually happen? And surprisingly, most people who say their first time wasn’t anything special or even bad had it with someone their age, someone inexperienced. Justin wanted someone that could live up to his expectations, take him by the hand, and lead him into a new, exciting world. That’s why he went to Liberty Avenue that night. I bet he got some offers before he met me. And obviously he said no to everyone. I didn’t lure him into anything. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, he said yes and got into my car.”

Once more, Jennifer sighed, taking another sip of water.

“Of course, you could say I should’ve asked his age before I took him home with me.” Brian shrugged. “But I’ve taken hundreds of boys home with me prior that night. And Justin was one of thousands of boys who decide to have their first sexual experience with a guy that has a few years on them. There was nothing unusual about it. He was scared shitless, but he wasn’t insecure. He was able to articulate his own free will. And I didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want or didn’t like. I gave him what he came for and made sure he was fine. Besides, my plan was we would spend the night together, then part and never see each other again. I couldn’t know your son is a persistent bullhead that would keep coming back, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of him. Then we ran into trouble with you, especially your husband—and here we are!”

The “persistent bullhead” made Jennifer smile against her will. It was the same bullhead she was fighting now. Justin wanted to come home, and that wasn’t her house.

“And the story would’ve always been the same,” Brian pointed out. “This isn’t about me. It isn’t about whoever Justin would’ve had sex with if he hadn’t met me. This is about your concerns, and it is about the homophobia of your husband.”

“Ex-husband,” Jennifer corrected him.

“Fine. Ex-husband.” Brian leaned back, observing her. She was clearly beginning to understand. Although she’d set the wheels in motion, her motives always had been different. Protection. Love. “And I know you’d also like to blame me for what happened at the prom. That I endangered him. Believe me, I felt terribly guilty when it happened. But Emmett’s right. I couldn’t know that Chris Hobbs obviously is a psychopath and would do something like that. That he’d go crazy like this and try to kill him. No one could’ve seen that coming. You can’t change the fact that Justin’s gay. Whether he’s with me or with anyone else, he’ll always experience homophobia. You could help him fight it by joining PFLAG. It’s a pointless fight, but it would show him that you accept it and that you care.”

“But I do care!” Jennifer exclaimed. “I just don’t know…” She broke off, feeling helpless.

“Why don’t you come for dinner tomorrow night, meet Justin’s rainbow family and join in?” Brian offered. “Let’s do this together.”

Jennifer had to admit he was right. Sexuality took its natural course, and she’d read too much into it.

“Yeah, we should do this together,” she gave in. “It’s just… I’m grateful you’ve done all… this. It’s just…”

“You’re worried he depends too much on me.” Brian nodded. “That it is a trap, even though it may not feel like one to him. Well, we’re aware of it, and had several discussions about it. But one fact always remains. And that is your ex-husband put him into that situation. If he paid for his education and a room at a students’ home, we wouldn’t have that problem. But he refuses. So, what are we supposed to do? And you can’t fix it by taking him home with you because I’m pretty sure you can’t pay for his education, can you?”

“No,” Jennifer admitted quietly, avoiding to look at him. Maybe he wasn’t that bad. She should take a leap of faith and give it a try.


	9. Making up with the moms II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Present time. After Lindsay and Melanie’s anniversary party.

“I do not appreciate you punched my kid,” Debbie began, planting herself in front of the table, facing Brian. She’d stormed into the loft as soon as Justin had opened the door. “But I do understand why you did, and I do not appreciate what he said,” she added with a growl.

Justin smiled and sat back down, going back to dinner. Typical Debbie.

Brian had expected her to be a lot more defensive, but it seemed that even she’d realized that Michael had gone too far this time.

“When he brought you home back then, I wasn’t happy,” Debbie admitted. “It wasn’t because of you, though, I just knew you were trouble. Yeah, maybe it would’ve been the best for Michael if you’d broken his heart and disappeared out of his life. But you didn’t, and I adopted you. You’re my son just like he is, and I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

Brian stared at her, surprised, not knowing what to say. Memories of his own mother were flashing through his mind. Especially the day when he’d had to introduce Justin to her because she’d turned up at his loft, unannounced, lamenting about he hadn’t come to his father’s funeral. She’d stormed out, telling him he’d go to hell.

“And, of course, I love Sunshine.” Debbie hugged Justin. “So, no matter what Michael says or does—we are family. And I want you to know that I’m proud of you.” She looked at Brian. “I always suspected there was something wrong with you, but I felt that you didn’t wanna talk about it. You were on the wrong path for a long time, obviously in a very dark place. I thought you were a lost cause, but you came around eventually. You’ve changed a lot in the past two years. In a good way. And I know it hasn’t been easy for you.”

“Thanks, Deb,” Brian replied, feeling embarrassed.

“By the way, it’s a loving thing of you taking Justin on a vacation. It’ll be good for him.” Debbie patted Justin’s head, smiling at him. “It’ll be good for both of you. The past year was hard on both of you. I hope you’re gonna have a great time.”

Justin shrugged, gesticulating with his fork. “If I just knew where we’re going.”

Brian just smiled, also going back to his dinner.

“You don’t know?” Debbie asked.

“He says it’s a surprise,” Justin explained to her.

“You wanted me to be more romantic,” Brian defended himself. “And now that I’m trying, it isn’t right?”

Hastily, Justin dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “No! No, it’s cool. It’s just…”

“You’re scared I’m gonna take you to some fuck resort and we’ll stay in bed for two weeks.” Brian giggled. He hadn’t known it would be so much fun to plan a surprise for his boyfriend.

“Two weeks?” Debbie asked in surprise.

“Wait, does it have anything to do with the mysterious papers you made me sign a while ago?” Justin chipped in before Brian could reply. “Was it for a visa? Are we going abroad?”

“Maybe.” Brian had another bite of the sandwich and grinned.

“This is awful,” Justin exclaimed. If he’d known asking Brian to be more romantic, would be so nerve-racking… “It’s torture! I don’t even know what to pack. There’s a difference in going snowboarding in Canada or going to a tropical island, you know?”

“Well, it’ll be warmer than here, but probably not too hot.”

“See,” Justin said to Debbie, “he’s driving me crazy!”

“I’m sure he picked something nice.” Debbie threw Brian a warning glance. She hadn’t seen Justin so excited and happy in a long time. Brian better didn’t screw this up.

“Yes, Ma,” Brian replied with the smile of a well-behaved son.


	10. The decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About two years later.
> 
> I don’t know what might happen in the meantime. Fill in some of the thousands of good fanfics, all a lot more creative than what the original writers came up with. But I don’t think Justin would’ve ever done a comic book with Michael or gone to L.A. to make a movie. If Brian had been ill, he would’ve told Justin about it, and they would’ve gone through it together. And he would’ve never gone on that stupid Liberty Ride without him. If he’d done it at all. Justin wouldn’t have joined Pink Posse. (At least not two years after the attack.) They would’ve never split because of all that marriage and family stuff, and Brian would’ve never bought Babylon. Not in my “how I wanted it to be” universe.
> 
> The Stockwell storyline was the only one that could completely satisfy me because we finally saw Brian and Justin as equal partners, as a team. Whatever the creators did afterwards was disappointing, though, because they had clearly no idea what to do with Justin. And they forced Brian into a role he’d overcome. I never understood why they wanted him to be the king of the club scene at all costs. He grew out of it during Justin’s recovery and the Stockwell storyline. That was the most interesting part of the show, and they ruined it by denying the development the characters took.
> 
> Well, let’s assume the stories about Stockwell and Proposition 14 came up at almost the same time. We are somewhere in Season 5. Brian is still working for Vangard and Justin is about to finish his education.

“Where’s your mind?” Justin asked, standing next to the couch. Brian hadn’t even taken off his work dress. He must have slumped onto the couch right when he’d come home, deep in thoughts.

“Vance wants me to get in bed with Stockwell,” Brian replied, sighing. “Not literally, of course.”

“The homophobic police chief that is running for mayor?” Justin was shocked. “He’s backing the Proposition 14 lunatics! They’re gonna close down half of Liberty Avenue and take away every right we ever had!”

Brian had never been interested in the fight of the LGBT community. Not because he wasn’t been aware of the problems. He just didn’t see much use in protesting. Usually, it didn’t change a thing when people were running around with posters or handing out flyers. No one in power was interested in some fags or in black people or whoever. The only way to change things was money. Tell a politician that it was good for the economy to give queer people more rights, and he might consider it.

This case was different, though. It aimed directly at him and everyone he knew.

“Vance wants me to run his political campaign and get him elected. Not because he’d care about him, he wants Stockwell’s backers for our client list.”

“You can’t do that!” Justin exclaimed.

“How am I supposed to tell him that?” Brian asked in despair.

“You explain to him how dangerous this guy is to you and everyone connected to Liberty Avenue!”

“And deliver him a reason to fire me on a silver platter?”

“Why should he…?”

“Most of our clients are like Stockwell,” Brian cut him off, sitting up. “White, homophobic dudes that aren’t interested in anything but their business. They run factories in Third World countries and have children work for them sixteen hours a day, only paying them a few dollars. They pollute the environment with their production lines and their mostly useless products. Other cultures, gay people, women… are only interesting to them if they can sell them something. So, what’s the difference? Only that it has a direct impact on us this time. But that’s not an argument. If you can’t separate your personal feelings from business, you can’t do this job. You have to become a social worker then. Or an artist,” he remarked with a sarcastic smile. “Then you may be able to refuse to work with people like Stockwell. Or his backers. Because these people are pretty much of the same kind.”

“Otherwise they wouldn’t fund him,” Justin agreed. “But you’re a partner in the firm. Your word has to be worth something!”

“Junior partner,” Brian corrected him. “And I need a very good reason to refuse working with Stockwell. It can’t be about him being a fascist. If it were for any other reason, it’d be pretty difficult for Vance to fire me. But telling him that I don’t want Stockwell because I’m gay and feel threatened by him, would give him the possibility to fire me.”

“He can’t fire you because you’re gay!”

Brian scoffed. “Of course, he can! There’s no work protection law or antidiscrimination law in this state. So, on which law do you want to base your law-suit? And getting fired because of it would mean I’m done. No one is going to hire me. Ever. Because it’ll look like I sexually harassed someone.”

For a moment, Justin was speechless. Anger was creeping up in him, while watching Brian walking over to the minibar, pouring himself a drink. “That’s totally fucked!”

“It is,” Brian agreed. “So, I have to be very careful and come up with a plan that avoids Stockwell but maybe gets us one of the backers. Then Vance would have the foothold he wanted and would lose interest in Stockwell immediately.”

Justin sighed. Things were getting more and more difficult. It had been such an awesome sign when Massachusetts had allowed same-sex marriage recently. But instead of moving forward, the community in Pennsylvania was backpedaling. If Stockwell became mayor and Proposition 14 came through, it wouldn’t need much more to ship them off camps.

“Any ideas yet?”

“Not really.” Brian sighed, taking a sip of Scotch. “These are major players. Hard to get to, hard to impress.”

“But you can’t do that,” Justin insisted. “I mean help Stockwell getting elected.”

“If I can’t come up with anything else, I have to.”

Justin joined him, taking the glass out of Brian’s hand and took a sip too.

Brian had known, it would drive Justin nuts. He was strongly involved in the fight of the LGBT community. Since his own father had gotten him arrested because of his protest against Proposition 14, he was in a permanent state of rage anyway. It had been a while since Brian had seen Justin so devastated like in the night when he’d had to bail him out of a holding cell at the precinct.

“There’s also something else,” Brian said carefully. “Vance wants the backers because he thinks it might be the critical mass we need to launch the New York office. He has me in mind for running it. I always wanted that. I always wanted to go to New York one day, be one of the big players, have a penthouse and a luxurious office in one of the skyscrapers… But the moment he said it, I realized it is like a dream you have when you’re a kid and want to become a firefighter. Later you realize it is hard, dirty work for which you won’t get much more than a warm thank you. I don’t want it anymore. And since I know you don’t want it either…”

He’d thought Justin would consider NYC exciting, a city with a huge art scene where he might want to strive. But when he’d taken him to their vacation two years ago and they’d arrived at JFK, Justin had been disappointed. He’d assumed they would spend the two weeks there, and he’d hated that idea. Luckily for Brian, NYC hadn’t been their final destination.

“Yeah?” Justin asked when Brian didn’t go on.

“It’s been on my mind since we got back from our vacation. First, I thought it was crazy, but I couldn’t shake it. Then, I started to some research and calculation and…”

“What?” Justin’s heart was beating a little faster. Could it be they’d been thinking about the same thing for a while?

Brian took a deep breath, getting nervous. He’d gotten better when it came to showing his feelings, but he still wasn’t good at it. “I’d like going to Barcelona with you.”

Justin stared at him, couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Was Brian serious? “You mean for good? To live there?”

He’d been in tears of emotion and joy when he’d realized what their destination was. Since he’d been a kid, he’d wanted to go to Barcelona. At least one time in his life. He couldn’t even explain why. He’d just wanted it. And Brian had listened to him when he’d once mentioned it.

“Yeah,” Brian replied, insecure, watching Justin closely. “I know it wouldn’t be like a vacation. That would be naïve to believe. There would be problems to solve like everywhere else. But I think it’s…”

“Our place,” Justin said with a bright smile. Everything was bright suddenly.

They’d never been happier than in Barcelona. The LGBT community was huge there, and people were totally relaxed about it. No strange glances, no restricted areas, no guys shouting “faggots” at them… And Brian had never been so relaxed, so open up, so easy going. Like he’d completely forgotten everything dark in his life.

“I’d like it if we built up something together.” Brian took Justin’s hands, stroking them gently. “And we can’t do it here. Even if we had more rights, the society wouldn’t change. I don’t see any future here for us. Like I said, you’ll have to go to a place with a considerable art scene sooner or later, and that obviously isn’t New York.”

“But we can’t simply pack our stuff and move to a foreign country,” Justin objected, anxious. He wanted it so badly! It would be a dream coming true. He and Brian, together, in his favorite city. “Or can we?”

“Surprisingly, it isn’t that difficult,” Brian replied. “The easiest way for us would be to find you a job in Barcelona. As a graphic designer, at an art department of a bigger company, as an assistant at a university… whatever. It doesn’t really matter. The point is for you to get a foot into the art scene and get a work contract. That will get you a work visa. With that you can indeed simply pack your stuff and move there. I’d go with you as a tourist. Then we get married, which makes us a family. That gives me the possibility to stay and launch my own agency—which otherwise would be a lot more difficult. I thought of using my connections on the US market to offer European clients to sell their products there and the other way around. As soon as the agency is up and running, I’ll receive my own immigration status. Even if you lost your job then, you could still stay because of the family status. Or in other words, as long as one of us either has a shop or a work visa and we stay out of their social system, not much can happen to us.”

Justin had listened to him, breathless. “Am I getting that right and you’ve just said we’d getting married?”

“Yeah,” Brian replied as casual as possible, although his heart was pounding. The whole plan was based on it, and if Justin didn’t want to marry him… “Spain has same-sex marriage with all rights and duties. It’d solve all our legal problems at once. Including buying a house, possession rights, health plan, insurance, taxes… We could build up a real life together.”

Speechless, Justin stared at him. He couldn’t believe that Brian actually wanted the same thing he’d been dreaming of for a while.

“Not romantic enough?” Brian asked, now frightened. He wasn’t sure he could take it if Justin rejected him.

Justin needed a moment to make himself believe that this was real. “It’s probably the most unromantic proposal in history,” he finally replied with a laugh. “But… yes.”

“What?”

“I do.” Justin clutched Brian’s hands, getting a step closer. “I wanna go with you to Barcelona, I wanna build up a life with you, and I wanna marry you.”

They looked into each other’s eyes. Brian could see a thousands “yes, I do”, while Justin could see how serious his partner was. He’d thought it through. It was what he wanted to do. Together. With him.

Brian caressed Justin’s cheeks, then played with his hair. Yes, he was sure, he replied to Justin’s nonverbal question. He took him into his arms, whispering against Justin’s head, “I… love you, and I wanna be with you. Forever. Or at least for a long time.”

“Oh!” Justin looked at him with tears of emotions in his eyes.

“I love you,” Brian repeated, now confident, before he kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What about Gus? Well, how about Lindsay and Melanie wouldn’t move to Canada, but instead following the boys to Barcelona? And how about Melanie would reconsider her strange decision about Michael being the sperm donor for her baby? She might ask Justin…
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little story. It just popped into my head and kept me from writing the book I'm actually supposed to write. So, I decided to write it down to get it out of my system. And, hey, it helped. The setting of the book is going to be Barcelona. :D


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